Norms to the Rescue: Families Need Them Too...
Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road. I realize that honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car. - Ellen and Clark Griswold, European Vacation
For years, we have traveled as a team of five, and it’s a privilege to do so. It’s part of our family’s fabric – a desire to get out and explore the world together. Years ago, we set a goal to visit all 50 States, which we achieved in 2022. In 2023, we moved on to international travel; we took an incredible trip to Greece (thanks to Christina Helena for her guidance in planning). This summer, we set our sights on England to visit friends old and new (Thanks to Gary Lloyd, Valérie PRIMAUX HEPPENSTALL, Toby Heppenstall, Jonathan Gosling, Corey Crossan, PhD).
Traveling to the UK was a highly anticipated adventure, but a last-minute airline issue meant we had to leave the night before scheduled, packing five people and heading to the airport with less than an hour’s notice for a red eye. We forgot surprisingly little, but even as family travel veterans, we were caught rushed, flat-footed, and unprepared.
Navigating unexpected hurdles and logistical puzzles and working as a team is part of the game. Likewise, it’s a perfect opportunity to leave your comfort zone and practice emotional intelligence when things do not go as expected. However, we had built up “the perfect trip” in our heads when we knew all too well that international travel challenges even the best.
Driving on the opposite side of the road was a challenge we expected – but visiting (beautiful) Devon and driving down single-lane, two-way roads along 10-foot tall, rocky hedgerows was, at times, terrifying to our American highway driving spirit (this research we had not done). Several planning mishaps and shifts in our teenage children (e.g., wanting “chill time,” time alone, confidently voicing their opinions, or an intense desire to sleep in because they were “tired”) proved perplexing for us as parents. Roads have always been wide, and the kids have always gone along.
Four days in, we knew it wasn’t working. Everyone was on edge, stressed, and short, and we were not treating one another well. We had made a classic error. We had not mentally prepared the children (or ourselves) for how to travel successfully together. We had not set norms ahead of time. The lack of shared norms left us with differing expectations, assumptions, and priorities, which caused stress.
In a professional context, the value of norms is well known. They provide a framework for behavior, decision-making, and communication, ensuring everyone is on the same page. Norms help establish order and predictability, essential for effective teamwork. When team members understand their roles, responsibilities, and the expected standards of interaction, it leads to smoother collaborations and better outcomes. This principle applies equally to families, especially during change or stressful situations like travel. Explicit norms about handling decisions, managing time, and healthy communication can transform a potentially chaotic experience into a harmonious one.
So, on day five, Jessica Leary Allen and I called a meeting, and we talked as a family. Amy Edmondson and Megan Reitz would be proud because we all displayed psychological safety (i.e., we all felt permission for candor) to say what was on our minds, and as parents, we did a good job of taking it all in. We focused on how we would partner moving forward and treat one another. We established rules of engagement as a team. Here are the norms we agreed upon for England and future trips:
Rest and Recovery: Do nothing on the first day if it’s a big plane ride, and prioritize sleep to ensure everyone is well-rested.
Self-Care and Consideration: Take care of yourself, but think of others. Bring your own stuff (e.g., hairbrushes, outfits, toiletries, charging chords) to avoid petty arguments over who is using what.
Kindness and Patience: Show kindness and patience, and pay attention to how others feel.
Embrace Opportunity and Adventure: Focus on one daily activity (vs. many) and a shared, leisurely dinner. Do not over-plan (which admittedly can be Mom and Dad’s default)
Shared Decision-Making: Give the kids a voice as to how they want to spend the day, ensuring everyone can contribute.
Balance and Flexibility: It’s not always about you. Make room for collective needs and preferences, and be happy that others enjoy an activity that may not be your favorite. The job of a family is to care for each other, and we do that on the road just as we do at home.
Comfort and Enjoyment: We love being in the water (pool, lake, ocean). We found that water of any kind could bring everyone’s mood back to center.
These seven items got us back on track. They are not perfectly formatted, and Jess and I didn’t necessarily agree with all of them, but they helped us develop a shared sense of what we value and how we want to interact. It worked. They not only reduced stress but also enhanced the end of our trip.
The experience underscored that setting norms is crucial in a work team or a family. Norms are one step in fostering an environment where everyone feels understood, respected, and aligned. So the next time “it’s not working,” step back and get curious. You may need to re-center and set some norms.